Friday, January 16, 2009

Waiting on God and Self Focus.

This is a rare post for me, as ordinarily I post at the end of an experience. When I've been through a situation to its conclusion and can look back and assess is when most often I can describe what I've learnt. This time, I'm posting somewhere in the middle.

A few days ago I was told something that was hard to hear, what it was does not matter for the purposes of this but trust me it was important, perhaps harder, I knew and was told that I just had to wait. I don't like waiting. In fact I positively despise waiting. Maybe its my OCD, maybe its just me, its probably a bit of both, either way I knew this was going to be tough.

Its funny how despite knowing what you need to do sometimes its really difficult to put it into practice. As usual and rather unsuprisingly... I couldn't wait it out, I set off and tried to look for a solution despite knowing I couldn't really find one. I spoke to anyone who would listen (I have some incredibly patient friends), I ran it around in my head, I considered all the options, I asked advice of everyone and one of them said (and I forget the exact wording):

'It seems that everything here points to you just having to let it go'

Letting go is something I am NOT good at, letting go means waiting, letting go means it being taken out of my control, letting go stops me being in charge. Oh no, I do not like that idea! I'm far too self-involved for that! However, when my friend said this to me, I knew she was right.

You'd think that since I now knew for sure what I had to do... I'd get on and try to do it right? You'd think I'd leave it in the hands of God, especially since I believe that God is all-powerful, all-knowing and always right.... did I do that?... No. You see really it went something like this 'God, you are all-powerful, all-knowing, much better at dealing with this than I am and will get it right... but I better deal with it!' That, is nothing short of complete arrogance, its turning to God and saying 'I know better'. Its also completely dumb.

So where did my dumbness get me? Well, it got me into a complete state, it left me with a focus only on my problems, no solutions, it left me in a mess and worse still, it probably made it more difficult for the situation to actually be resolved as it meant I discussed it with someone involved, rather than just giving them the space they needed.

The reality of this situation was I wasn't trying to sort this problem out as that was what was best... I was trying to get this sorted out as that was what was best for me. Back we are to that self-focused, selfish attitude of mine again.

One of the things I love about God is that whenever I have a situation that is difficult I seem to learn something from it. Its a double for me this time, first I've learnt just how self-focused and selfish I still am and how much I still need to work on drowning that part of the old man in me each day and secondly on waiting.

I said towards the start of this post that I positively despise waiting, whilst I still don't like waiting one thing I now realise is that sometimes all we can do is wait and sometimes all God wants us to do is wait. It is at the point where I began to truly give this situation to God and just wait that I began to get some peace. It is at the point where I began to wait that I began to live by faith and it is at that point where the situation was put in the safest hands it could be. May God help me to continue to wait in this situation and to learn where I should wait in others.

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